How to Become an Atheist

There are two main hard and fast rules for anyone who would like to become an "atheist." If you are tempted, beware. It's not an easy thing to do.

The first rule is to ignore design in nature. You will see it everywhere; from the planets, to the atoms, to the birds and the bees, to the seasons, to the design of the human body, the design of fish, flowers, fruits, feet, and even fungus. And of course, the amazing-looking human eye. Everywhere you look and everywhere you can't look, you will see design.

Now here's the hard part. Ignore your God-given common sense. Admit that everything man made is man-made, but be uncompromisingly adamant that everything in nature came from nothing, with no Designer. Once you have set aside your acumen to do this, crown yourself as being intelligent. Very. Then find other atheists and they will confirm to you that you are indeed, intelligent.

The second rule is to "believe." This is very important, because if you let doubt in, it will let in fear, and that can be a scary thing when the issue at stake is a place called "Hell."

Believe that you are right in your beliefs. Believe that evolution is indeed true. Believe that it's scientific. Believe that there are no missing links, and believe that Richard Dawkins knows what he is talking about.

Believe that you are an ape, that you are not morally responsible because apes have no moral absolutes. Believe that your conscience was given to you by your parents and society, and not by God (always use a small "g" for God, if possible).

To grow as an atheist, you will need to learn believers' language--phrases like "There is no creation," "Evolution is a proven fact," and the powerful "Flying Spaghetti Monster." Learn the fine art of cutting and pasting, and responding with "Straw man!" That means you won't have to respond to anything challenging.

All this will give perceived intelligence. Never question evolution, and don't think for yourself.

Do these things, and you will be able to call yourself an atheist, or even a "new" atheist. How cool is that! Well, I should say, as much of one as you can be called one. No one can be a true atheist because you need "absolute knowledge" to say that there is no God. So until you are omniscient (like God), you will just have to do with pretending to be one.

Photograph by Manuel Brambila. Click on the eye for design details.